Mike's Helsinki diary

From The Colonel's Website

Saturday 25th November

It had been decided to play Reardon's pool tournament for the Helsinki break on Saturday 25th November, two weeks before the start of the break. Chris and David came to my house the night before, whilst Rupert arrived on the Saturday morning. We went over to the snooker club in Leamington Spa and acquired a table.

The first elimination was a race to 20 points. I went into an early lead, but David caught up and managed to go through in first place. After a while, I secured my place in the next round. Rupert and Chris had a lengthy dogfight for the final place in the next round, before Chris eventually potted the winning ball, thus eliminating Rupert.

In the next round, which was a race to 25 points, David and I both went to pieces, whilst Chris started playing some excellent snooker. I got into a lead and soon found myself on 19 points, but couldn't manage to pot the winning ball, mainly through playing some terrible shots, having been gifted several chances. Chris somehow got through in first place, with David joining him soon afterwards, thus eliminating me, much to my disappointment. I'd played terribly and thrown away a potentially winning position.

In the final, David still wasn't playing his best, but managed to hold his nerve as the match went down to the final black, which David duly potted to win the 5th Reardon's tournament and get his third victory in a row. After a trip to the swimming pool that afternoon, we went to the tea shop in Kenilworth and David revealed Reykjavik as Reardon's choice for the draw, whilst Chris revealed Budapest as Glogg's Reardon Helpimede.

Thursday, 7th December

I woke up around 8.30a.m., conscious of the fact that the Helsinki experience was about to start. I was eager to get on my way to David's house, but had decided that I'd go out running first. I changed into my running gear and headed out to Kenilworth castle. 45 minutes later, I was back home, thoroughly exhausted but keen to get on the road. I went through the shower, before loading the car and heading off. About 20 minutes later, as I was heading down the M40, a huge traffic jam loomed in front of me. I couldn't see what was going on, but after a while I noticed what appeared to be a massive truck going very slowly up ahead. Behind me, I saw the flashing lights of an unmarked police car, so I pulled into the middle lane and let the car go, before pulling behind it. This turned out to be a good move, as all the cars in front were pulling out of its way, so I could get a fairly clear run through the traffic. It occurred to me that I was inadvertently recreating Die Hard with a Vengeance, as I was getting myself a blocker and heading for the end zone. I soon passed what turned out to be two slow moving trucks, taking up two lanes as they were both carting massive dump trucks on their backs. The road quietened down after this and I was able to make relatively good time down to David's house.

I arrived at around 12.45p.m. and we greeted each other by saying that the Helsinki experience had started, as has become customary. Apparently Chris was about to arrive at the station so we headed off to pick him up. David and I saw what appeared to be Chris standing outside the station, but this Chris got into another car. We soon realised that he was a fake Chris, as we saw the real Chris standing a little bit further down. We picked him up and drove back to David's house. David put on some hot dogs and we watched the Orlando Bloom Extras episode, before deciding to head into Reading. I suggested driving to the station, as this would enable us to drive into Reading if it turned out that we missed the train. We did miss the train, so I continued driving and half an hour later (and after an incident where I got completely cut up by a thug driving a white van on the A4) we parked at the Oracle. We made straight for the coffee and muffins stand. David and I shared a pizza, whilst Chris had one to himself and we all got muffins and hot chocolates in. It turned out that you could get a 4th muffin free if you bought 3, so we did. However, we were all too full to eat it once we'd had the rest of our food. We discussed the idea that it could become the next mascot and talk turned to how we would preserve it. This caused much hilarity and we decided to take the muffin with us. Chris obtained a bag, placed the muffin inside and we wandered off to do some shopping. I called my Mum for a quick chat about Christmas presents and we ended up securing some presents from Whittards, as well as a purchase from WHSmiths and a couple from Woolworth's. After this wander around the shops we were pretty exhausted so decided it was time to go to Starbucks. We walked back to the Oracle and crossed to the riverside, before getting in a round of Gingerbread Lattes and caramel waffles. The new mascot was still with us, but we were still too full to eat it. It was about four o'clock at this point and we chilled in Starbucks for the next two and a half hours, chatting about the prospects for Helsinki. We got in a round of soft drinks, including a Johnson's orange juice, to much rejoicing. At around 5.30p.m., David received a message from Rupert telling us that he was at Paddington. It appeared that, this time, he'd be prompt for the pre-break meal. David told him to meet us at Starbucks and, an hour later, he did. Rupert and I went to the car to deposit his luggage and our shopping, whilst Chris and David got a table in Chilis. I forgot which level the car was parked on, but eventually found it and we joined the others on the upper floor of Chilis.

We got in a classic Nachos for starters, whilst David and I went for chicken crispers for our main course, Rupert went for the peppercorn burger and Chris opted for the chicken Caesar pitta. When we'd eaten our food, Chris decided to go for a dessert. The waitress delivered it, asking if we were sharing. I pointed out that that was a ludicrous question considering Chris had ordered it. At one point, Chris spilt some dessert on his shirt, but decided to scoop it up with his spoon and eat it. David said, "Another treat for Christophe Moules there." I continued the application, saying, "I'll give you one thing, you certainly keep your shirt clean!" This caused hilarity and we had a very early contender for application of the break. Once Chris had finished his dessert, we decided that it was time to head home as we had an early start the following morning. We headed back to the car and drove back to Thatcham. Once we arrived back at David's house, we sorted out our bags, as we were only taking two cases between us to the airport. I shared with David whilst Chris shared with Rupert. David and I checked the snooker score and let out a cheer when we saw that Steve Davis had beaten Jamie Burnett 9-5 to get through to the 3rd round of the UK Championships. Having packed, we chilled on the glashtenmeid for a while and watched the David Bowie and half the Daniel Radcliffe episode of Extras before punching the sack at around ten o'clock for what would be, at most, three hours sleep before we had to begin the drive to Stansted for the start of the break.

Friday, 8th December

My alarm went off at around 1.30a.m. and I crawled out of bed and through the shower. Everyone else got up and after a quick coffee, we stumbled into the car and began the journey to Stansted. David was driving this time and as we departed, I put on "That Thing You Do!" on the CD player. We were all exhausted and only a cheer as we passed a truck helped to lighten the mood. After an uneventful journey we arrived at Stansted mid-stay car park and were directed to zone G. We hurried to a bus and departed for the terminal. As we arrived, we got a phone call from Steve. Apparently he'd just got off his bus and was in the terminal. We disembarked, met up with him and joined the queue for check in. After a short wait, we deposited our bags, went through security and found ourselves outside Frankie and Benny's. It was closed, so we briefly browsed the books in the nearby shop before returning and securing a table at F and B's. David and Chris both ordered breakfast burgers, whilst Steve got a full British Isles breakfast, Rupert got an omelette and I ordered a croissant and an orange juice. We were all knackered and ate quietly. Once we'd all eaten our fill, we paid up and left the restaurant. It was time to head to our plane so we headed over to the monorail, boarded and took the train to another set of gates.

We soon found ourselves on the plane. Chris took a window seat, whilst I sat next to him and Steve sat next to him. David sat in front of Chris and Rupert sat in front on me. The plane took off and I spent the flight alternating between dozing and reading the guidebook. About two and a half hours later, we descended into Tampere airport. Disembarking, we commented that Helsinki was happening. We went through passport control and found ourselves in a weird baggage reclaim area. I took a quick toilet stop, then suggested that Chris and I went out to buy bus tickets whilst the others waited for the bags. As I was leaving, I heard a random Finnish voice say, "Attention everybody, I left my mobile phone in the toilet!" I had no idea what he was on about but found this declaration quite hilarious. Chris and I joined a queue for bus tickets in the tourist information area and eventually secured 5 tickets to Helsinki. The others joined us, with David and Steve still laughing about the mobile phone guy. This caused David to do an impression of Chris saying, "Attention everybody, I left my Werthers Originals in the toilet!" Steve and I found this highly amusing. We boarded the bus and made our way to the back. I sat in the corner to the right, with Steve next to me. Chris sat in the corner to the left with David next to him. Rupert declined the middle seat, opting instead to sit in front. A guy sat in front of us that we speculated was the mobile phone guy from earlier. Just as the bus was about to set off, a huge group of people boarded the bus. It turned out that the bus to Tampere train station was full and our bus would be making a detour into Tampere before heading to Helsinki. A shafting early on in the break. A bloke sat between Steve and Chris, whilst his wife sat in front with a child next to Rupert. Rupert began to regret taking the seat next to us. Particularly when it turned out he was sat next to a Spanish woman. Fortunately, 15 minutes later our bus arrived at Tampere station and the Spanish couple got off. As the bus rejoined the motorway, we went past a road sign. I looked at it and it said, "Helsinki, 170km". I looked at Steve and we both swore. We didn't realise it was that far away. Eventually, we all managed to sleep, waking up occasionally to get some of Chris' sweets which he tried to secrete from us. After about three hours and a couple of loaf pinching stops, we arrived at Helsinki train station. We were on the edge of a large square, with an ice rink in the centre. We commented that Moules on ice would probably be occurring at some point during the break.

We walked past the ice rink, crossed the road and walked up the hill towards our hotel. As we crossed a busy road, we saw a black father Christmas doing some rope tricks. David suggested he was a potential mentalist. We saw the hotel in front of us and descended some steps into a square, but couldn't find the hotel entrance. We did, however, find what appeared to be a gluewein stall. We climbed back up the steps, walked around the side of the building and eventually found the entrance. We checked in and were allocated rooms on the third floor. Myself, David and Steve took a room to the left of the elevators, down a corridor, whilst Chris and Rupert took one to the right of the elevators. The rooms had wooden panelled doors that looked like they were entrances to saunas. We piled into our rooms and dumped our bags. David noticed that the bathrooms had portholes in, which enabled people to look through from the bedroom whilst other people were using the toilet. We thought this was a bit perverted and I shoved some toilet paper around the edge of the porthole, to cover up the non-misted section. David went into the bathroom and noticed a small shower attachment fixed to the wall by the side of the toilet. He had no idea what it was and assumed it must be a bum shower. However, he had no idea how to work it.

Slightly bemused, we left the hotel room and headed down to the gluhwein stall in the square below the hotel. Once there, we noticed that it wasn't a gluhwein stall at all and was, in fact, some sort of student set up. We stood around waiting for Chris and Rupert to finish dicking around. Eventually they arrived, so we decided to head for the town centre. We walked down the hill and turned right. David pretend to head for the golden arches as we walked past it. Chris spotted a cash machine and was insistent that he needed to dick around. Once he'd finished, we walked past a fast food place called Hesburger and we suggested stopping there for lunch. However, it was decided that we should check out the Christmas market first. We crossed the road and went around the side of a dome shaped building, to be confronted with the Christmas market. We were all excited, but I was slightly disturbed by the apparently small array of stalls, occupying one square. We walked down the aisle and eventually found a stall which served glogi. At the front of the stall there were some small star-shaped ginger biscuits called pipari. Apparently these came free with glogi. We helped ourselves. The glogi was not very hot, but we drank it quickly and then decided to go for a big sausage and another glogi (from a different stall). As we arrived at a small road in the middle of the market, we were surrounded by food stalls. David and Steve made straight for a sausage stall, whilst I got in a round of glogi. It turned out that the glogi was slightly cheaper and warmer than the first one, but the pipari were smaller and not as good. However, the sausages tasted great. We chilled out with our glogi and sausages before continuing our walk through the market. As we approached the final row of stalls, we concluded that the Christmas market was, in fact, quite poor. At the end, there was a square with the last few stalls on and, to the right, there was a rather ornate building with a restaurant in it called Kappeli. It looked quite nice and we thought it may be a potential option for a meal one night. At the final stall, there was more glogi available, so we bought some. The guy serving us spoke no English, so communication was difficult, but we eventually managed to get across that we wanted four glogi, as everyone except Rupert wanted some. The stall suffered from the lack of pipari, whilst the glogi was cheaper, but it turned out that it tasted like fruit punch.

As we drank our glogi, Chris spotted some stalls with white covers at the other side of the square by the harbour. He said that they must be a continuation of the Christmas market. I didn't think they were, but we headed over to take a look. We found a couple of fish stalls and a chip van. However, having arrived at the waterfront, we spotted a church overlooking the town, so we decided to head over it to check out the view. We crossed a little bridge and climbed up the steps to the church. The view wasn't bad, but we began to fear that there was very little to do in Helsinki. We walked around the back of the church, turned left and then left again along another part of the waterfront. Arriving at a busy road, I darted across quickly, but the others weren't quite so quick so I had to wait. I began to feel cold as darkness descended. Once the others arrived, we walked up a road and arrived at a big white church overlooking a square with lots of steps in front of it. At this moment, David and I decided to do a Rocky recreation, so we set off for the steps, singing the Rocky theme. It was further away than we thought and we had to keep stopping to catch our breath. We darted up the steps and raised our arms above our heads at the top. The view was impressive. The others soon joined us and we left the square behind the church, arriving at a shopping street. We spotted two cones, but they were quite spread out and then two more massive ones, but we turned them down, deciding to wait for a better opportunity. Turning left, we arrived back at the Christmas market, before stopping for a discussion about what to do next. We were all quite tired, but it was relatively early, so we decided to check out the area on the other side of the square. We crossed the street, headed up a hill and spotted four cones surrounding a skip. This was the opportunity we had been waiting for. Steve, Rupert and I walked over to the cones, before picking them up and shouting "Stop Telling Me What to Do!" whilst Chris and David took the photos. We replaced the cones and walked away. Heading around the block, we arrived at a large excavation. Looking down, we spied lots of workmen in a massive whole. This was, by far, the most exciting thing we'd discovered in Helsinki so far. At this point, we decided to head back to the hotel.

Once we'd almost got back to the hotel, Chris and I wondered whether we should check out a couple of restaurants in the area for potential evening meals. Steve wanted to head back for a pot stop, so he walked to the hotel whilst the rest of us turned around, took a right, followed by a left and arrived at a traditional Finnish restaurant featured in the guidebook. It looked quite pricey, so we walked off down the hill, passed a couple more and arrived at the excavation again. Having failed to find a suitable restaurant, we walked back to the hotel and decided to chance the restaurants on the main street overlooking the Christmas market. Back in the room, David, Steve and I chilled for a while, before getting ready for dinner. We wandered back to the Christmas market, checking a potential restaurant on route. It was full, so we moved on to the far side of the Christmas market, up a hill to another restaurant. That looked full too. We walked back to the Christmas market and tried out Kappeli, but that too was full. I suggested a restaurant called Savotta from the guidebook near the church with the Rocky steps, but that too was full. We were beginning to get desperate. We tried another one on the main street, followed by one upstairs from a bar called Vespa, but both didn't have any tables left. Eventually, we walked down a side street next to the square with the Christmas market and found a pizza restaurant called La Famiglia. It was against tradition to go to a pizza restaurant on the first night, but we were a little desperate. This restaurant also looked busy but the waiter promised that we would have a table within half an hour. We went into the bar area and bought some drinks whilst waiting for our table. The bar was very smoky and David found it somewhat unpleasant. After some time, we were told that our table was ready, so we headed through to the restaurant and took a table. As we were about to sit down, the waiter told us that there was a circular table available instead, so we decided to take that. I sat down with Chris to my right, followed by Rupert, David and then Steve to my left. I noticed that I was sat out on my own - the distance between my chair and everyone elses appeared to be much greater than the distance between all the other chairs.

The waiter came and took our order. I got in a calamari starter, as did Steve and David, followed by a Marinara pizza. What would follow would be a revealing of destinations for the mentalist list. A draw for order of revealing of mentalist's destinations were carried out.

As our starters arrived, I proceeded to reveal the first destination on the mentalist list, which was Valetta.

David cursed, as it appeared that that was going to be his choice. As we tucked into our calamari, a brief delayed occurred, as it turned out that David was next to reveal. Eventually he went back to his trusted choice from Gdansk and revealed Douglas. At this point, I noticed that David was suddenly sat a long way away from everyone else and my chair was now much closer to Steve's and Chris'. We couldn't understand how the chairs were moving with us sitting on them.

Our pizzas arrived and we all tucked in, as Steve revealed his choice of Torquay. David was highly amused. The draw quickly concluded as Chris revealed Porto and Rupert revealed Larnaka in Cyprus. Steve was thoroughly unimpressed with Rupert's choice, pointing out that it was a clubbers' paradise.

I completed the mentalist list by writing "Ole Hyva Valita" at the bottom, which meant "Please choose" in Finnish. Once we'd finished our pizzas, we chilled with coffees for a while, before deciding to head back to the hotel. We decided, having had trouble finding somewhere to eat, that it might make sense to book a restaurant for the following evening. With this in mind, we headed over to Kappeli in the town square and made a booking. Once we'd done this, we headed back to the hotel and punched the sack in readiness for day two.

Saturday, 9th December

I woke up to the sound of knocking at our door. Stumbling over to answer it, I discovered that it was Chris and Rupert, arriving about 15 minutes early at our room. We told them we'd meet them down in the lobby and proceeded to get ready. Steve and David started laughing at the idea of Chris and Rupert being like Basil and Polly, coming up with the application, "Oh, 9 o'clock. We thought you said...", "A quarter to nine." "Brilliant! I mean, that's it!"

David stumbled into the bathroom and Steve and I suddenly heard a shout of "Sink. Bum shower. Sink. Bum shower. Sink. Bum shower." It appeared that he'd discovered how the bum shower worked. By turning the tap to the sink on and depressing the lever on the bum shower, water squirted out of it.

Once we had all been trough the bathroom, we headed down to the lobby and met Chris and Rupert, before stumbling into breakfast. We grabbed a circular table in one corner which had seats for six people and then Steve, David and I went to check out the breakfast items whilst Chris and Rupert stayed at the table. I grabbed some porridge and returned, only to discover that an old woman had sat down at our table. Steve came back and couldn't believe what was going on, commenting that he wished he'd brought the mentalist list with him. The woman said nothing, merely staying to eat her breakfast and then leaving. Apparently Rupert had been too polite to tell her that she was sat at our table.

We quickly headed back to our room to get our stuff, then headed out for the day, deciding to walk up to the Olympic stadium. After a short walk, we passed the modern art museum, which Steve said he really wanted to visit, and stopped for photos outside the courthouse. David accidentally dropped Eric and a bit came off him. A little bit further on, we found a phone box and did a recreation of "Herbie Rides Again" with the shouting of "Helsinki?"

Crossing the road, we entered a park by a lake. We headed up a hill and clambered over some rocks, pausing for a mascot photo at the top. At the other side of the hill, we spotted a play area with a small polar bear covered in blood. There was also a huge chess board, but with no chess pieces. Chris, David and I decided to engage in a game of human inner-city chess, which basically involved charging at each other and bumping your opponent off the chess board. It was great fun. We then carried on walking around the lake, before crossing a main road and climbing over some more rocks to the top of a hill. In front of us was the Olympic stadium. It appeared to be straight from the cold war (which of course, it was), complete with a tall watchtower at the far side and we speculated that it had been the site of communist rallies. We termed it a commieatron and assumed that it was a commieatron before it was the Olympic stadium. This brought about a good office application, as we speculated that the Olympic committee had asked to use it for the Olympics saying, "We can say, come into our Olympic stadium?" with the Russians saying, "Yes, but if we need it to be a commieatron it's a commieatron again."

We went down the other side of the hill and David, Steve and I filled the time with a discussion of the latest series of X-factor. Steve was quite derogatory about the McDonald brothers. We walked around the side of the stadium and discovered a sign picturing a Scottie Dog with a cross through it, on the side of the stadium. We wondered why only Scottie dogs weren't allowed in the stadium. It seemed strange. Clambering up another hill, we spotted a football stadium on the far side of the Olympic stadium. We descended the hill at the other side, continued to walk around the side of the stadium and eventually found ourselves at the entrance. We decided to go inside and take the elevator up the watchtower. We paid the guy at the desk and went to the elevator, to discover that it was only big enough for three of us. Rupert backed off and, after some discussion, David stayed with him whilst Chris, Steve and I took the trip up. We arrived at the top, climbed up some steps and took in the view of the stadium and the city. It was pretty impressive. We noticed people sat on the seats in the stadium and speculated that the tower was, in fact, a commie watchtower designed to shoot spectators from. David and Rupert arrived and, after we'd all satisfied ourselves with the view, we went back down to the bottom. Steve noticed some memorabilia in a cabinet and decided he wanted a Helsinki football shirt, but decided they were too expensive. We walked into the stadium itself, to discover it was deserted. I climbed up to the top and ran around to the far side. The others soon followed. We then went down some steps into the back of the stadium. It was really eerie and gave us the sense that we were in a post-apocalyptic film. We climbed back up the stairs and sat in the stand for a while, before going back round to the entrance. We decided to buy a coffee but the restaurant was closed. I sat down and read the local paper whilst the others decided to use the smelly toilet in the corner. We then decided to leave the stadium and, after some discussion, decided to walk to Seurasaari, an open air museum similar to Skansen. As we left the stadium, I had a phone call from Rebecca, I chatted to her as we crossed a road and David and Steve popped into the local Helsinki football club shop to check out the prices of shirts. They were still very expensive. We soon arrived at a park overlooking a bay and paused to check out a very strange statue of Sibelius and some other large pipe sculpture. We took some photos, then walked around the edge of the bay, passing a building that we assumed was the president's house. We then passed the university and I mentioned that I knew someone who worked there. We turned left and walked downhill, spotting the bridge over to the museum. It seemed a long way away and we kept saying doing the Office application, "The beauty of this walk is that you never know quite how far the bridge... oh for fuck's sake!"

After a length walk past several cross country skiers without skis, we arrived at the bridge. Crossing over it, we entered the open air museum, only to discover that it was absolutely deserted. We walked passed several old wooden buildings. At one particularly small one, perhaps occupied by midgets, Steve and David looked into the window like Godzilla. After walking for a few more minutes, we concluded that the museum was closed. We tried to find a restaurant, but couldn't. David and I popped into a freezing public toilet, before going cross country and discovering a map. Steve noticed a kiosk on the map and it said it was open all year round. We decided to make for it, so we climbed a hill and soon found ourselves in a little open area with a barbeque, a wigwam, a hut, some benches and a few picnic tables. We got in a round of hot chocolates, coffees and a chocolate bar. Steve and David spotted the town centre a fair way away and wished we had the use of a 42 minute tunnel to get there. We then wondered whether the Queen could bowl the first ball of the Ashes using such a tunnel. Rupert speculated that she could chuck it through and got ridiculed by David and Steve. At the other side of the open area there was a small theatre stage with a platform at the top and a large stone behind with a Finnish flag on it. David assumed it was a rallyatron, so climbed up onto the platform and pretended to lead a rally. We admired the view from the stone behind the rallyatron, before maming the decision to head back to the centre of the city. Chris decided to buy a pasty to take home with him, selecting what was described as a meat pie. It appeared to be a cornish pasty, but with pastry substituted for some kind of very soft bread roll. It was disgusting. We wandered back through the park, ridiculing Steve for taking us to the rubbish kiosk. We do the same office application about how far back ot is, then do a reverse application about why English people carry cameras around but never use them, including the song "Poor little whitey! But the twat would probably forget to put a film in!" We passed the Sibelius statue and then decided to head back to the hotel to use the toilets. After a very long walk, we arrived back at hotel. At the hotel, I purchased a couple of chocolate bars, Brejk and Kismet which I then shared in the room with David and Steve. David started laughing when he discovered that the toilet roll I'd shoved around the window in the toilet to cover it up had been removed by the cleaner. Chris and Rupert arrived after a brief stop in their room and I gave them the remains of the chocolate bars. After a short discussion, we decided to head to the Christmas market for some food, so we made our way out, disappointed to see that the crazy Santa was not performing his tightrope walking trick. We soon arrived at the Christmas market and we purchased sausages and glogi with pipari. After sausages, Chris and David decided to buy Letut, which were Finnish pancakes. It turned out that Finnish pancakes were the same as regular pancakes. I had a quick chat with Rebecca on the phone as they finished their pancakes. It was getting dark, so we quickly headed over to Savotta and booked a table for our final night meal the next day. Once we'd done this, we returned to the hotel and sat for a while in the foyer, chilling over a coffee.

After a quick turn around in our rooms, we headed out again. We made our first stop in a bar called Iguana. It was really busy, presumably because of the premiership football on the TV, so we crowded around a small table for a while, before a larger one freed up. After a single round of drinks, we decided to relocate to Vespa. I noticed Glogi on the menu, so got some in, but was disappointed that it was quite cold. After another round of drinks, we headed over to Kappeli for our dinner. I sat in the middle of one side with Steve on my left and David on my right. Rupert sat opposite David whilst Chris sat opposite me. I ordered soup followed by an Elk burger, as did David, whilst Rupert ordered a reindeer steak and Chris and Steve opted for other reindeer dishes. The waitress also suggested we could get in a round of Finnish schnapps which we accepted. Chris and I opted for glogi, but were told that we couldn't have it during the meal. The schnapps arrived and it turned out to be very strong. We were concerned about obtaining a choice for Hel 2006 from the mentalist's list and noticed an English guy who looked like Mike Baldwin in the corner. Steve was tempted to ask him. Eventually, we spoke to our waitress, who was called Hanna, and asked her for her choice. She was very interested in the draw format and decided that her least favourite option was Larnaka, though commented that she didn't think Torquay was a good choice either. Larnaka thus became Hel 2006's choice. The main courses arrived and they were very good. As I finished my main course, I had a phone call from Rebecca, who informed me that the X Factor results show was on. She commentated for me as Ben was eliminated. After dinner, we took up a recommendation from Hanna and crossed the square to go to the Theatro bar, at the far side of the Christmas market. It turned out to be really smokey and not pleasant. Whilst we chatted and drank, we did notice a man walk in who looked exactly like Howard from the Halifax adverts. We started singing "Who gives you Extra?" as we left to head back to the hotel. As we reached the corner before the hill to the hotel, we passed a group of three drunk Finnish youths, being loud. As we walked past them, they started shouting, "Fucking... fucking... fucking bastards!" We hurried on, trying not to laugh. Soon, we arrived back at the hotel and returned to our rooms to get some sleep.

Sunday, 10th December

We woke up around 8.00a.m. and, after going through the bathroom, wandered down to breakfast. Chris and Rupert were already there, having secured our favourite circular table again. Rupert told us that the woman who'd joined us the day before had been seated at that table on her own when they'd arrived. We ate breakfast before returning to the rooms to get ourselves ready for our excursion day. Chris arrived at our room and informed us that it was probably too late to make the lengthy trip to Turku. With this in mind, we decided to head out on a much shorter trip to a suburb of Helsinki known as Espoo. Arriving at the station, we had a few minutes to kill so we queued up at a coffee stand and bought some large coffee drinks called Robert's mochas. Clutching our coffees, which turned out to be excellent, we hurried down a long corridor and arrived at the train.

Once on the platform, we climbed onto the train and travelled the short, half hour journey to the suburb of Espoo. As the train arrived, we disembarked, climbing up onto a bridge over the railway. After a quick bathroom stop, we crossed the main road and arrived in a small square. There was very little there, so we walked through it and arrived at a river. Turning left, we headed down the slope and passed a stone door in the hill, which we speculated was an entry to a Russian-built gas chamber. We then crossed the river and climbed up a hill, arriving at a small wood. We were becoming quickly disillusioned with Espoo, but persisted with our walk, hoping that we would eventually arrive somewhere interesting. We went through the wooded section, down the hill at the other side, arrived at a main road and turned left, climbing a hill again. After turning right at the top of the hill, we arrived at a cemetary. We then walked down the hill, turned left and arrived at a nice looking park next to the river. We turned right along the river and arrived at a picturesque bridge. We decided that this was an ideal place for a game of pooh sticks. David rooted around and found a massive stick to play with. As I launched my stick into the water, it broke into two and I ended up finishing first and third. I commented that that was like Herbie. David, eager for another game, suggested a game of pooh mascots, but we weren't keen.

We carried on our walk, so crossed the bridge and walked up hill. Lots of people were walking past us holding ski sticks, which we found slightly strange. At the top of the hill, we bore left, then turned right onto the main road, up another hill and right again. Crossing a bridge, we then crossed the road and turned left, before walking down yet another hill and arriving at the station. At this point, Steve and David embarked on a Fawlty Towers application saying, "I hear you're off to Espoo. Es "pppp" oooo. That's good, so much better than being on the train to Turku."

At the station, we all needed the toilet, but as it was a pay toilet we were quite reluctant. However, after some consultation, we decided on a scam whereby we all held the door open on exit and used the toilet with the loss of only one coin. Chris and Steve bought our train tickets back whilst David and I headed into the shop to buy some chocolates. We bought some Suffeli puffi, Suku laku and a couple of others. At the platform, we shared out the Suffli Puffi, which turned out to be very good. Our train soon arrived so we headed back to Helsinki and decided to go to the ice rink and chill out for a while. Chris and Rupert decided to do a bit of skating so we were treated to some Moules on ice and Poop on ice. Steve, David and I decided to chill out in the cafe by the rink. We purchased the last three pizza baguettes and got in a round of Glogi, whilst watching Chris and Rupert skate. We soon heard a bang from outside and watched in amusement as a resident mentalist failed to open the door to the cafe. We got in another round of Glogi and after a while Chris and Rupert joined us, getting some french bread pizzas (which had now been replenished) for themselves. We started to discuss the journey home the following day, so I wandered over to look for information at the bus stop where we got dropped off, but found nothing there. I rejoined the others and we decided to head back to the hotel and prepare for the stammtisch. We walked back up the hill to the hotel and sat in the foyer for a while, chilling out with a round of coffees. Chris noticed that there was a bus station visible in the square below our hotel, so wandered over to see if he could find out information about our trip back. We decided it was time to start the stammtisch, so we all headed back to our rooms. Steve decided he wanted a sleep, so David and I got ourselves ready and departed for the stammtisch shortly afterwards. We arrived at the stammtisch location, Vespa bar, around 6.20p.m. I got in a Frank Skinner beer whilst David had a coke. We chilled and chatted and, by the time we'd finished our drinks, no one else had arrived, so David ordered a Glogi whilst I ordered a Glogi with spirit in. At this point, I realised I'd failed to bring Dave's destination with me. We rang Steve in our hotel room, waking him up, asking him to bring the destination with him. Chris and Rupert arrived at about 7.30p.m and we got another round of Glogi in. David went for the one I'd had whilst Chris and I went for the third type of Glogi on the menu. Rupert had a beer. Steve finally arrived 20 minutes later and the stammtisch was complete. We had a final round of drinks before walking over to Savotta for our final night meal.

We arrived at the restaurant at around 9p.m. and were led downstairs to a table in the far corner. The waiters and waitresses were all dressed as ploppies and we were seated on wooden benches. Rupert sat in the corner, with me to his left. Chris was opposite Rupert, with David opposite me and Steve to David's right. Our waitress ploppy arrived and suggested a Finnish schapps for starters. We agreed so she went away and came back with five drinks in small silver cups. We made a toast and drank. The schnapps appeared to be almost pure paraffin. I ordered a soup starter, whilst Chris and I went for a sharetron meat dish for our main course. We also ordered wine for the table and a coke for David. As we prepared the draw, we decided to get a destination from the mentalist list from the Waitress Ploppy. Steve decided to ask her to pick at some point.

Fifteen minutes after arriving, we performed the first mascot draw. I drew Grosser Vass, whilst Chris drew Kurt, Rupert got Barney, Steve got Glogg and David got Reardon. A second mascot draw then took place, with me drawing Amal, Rupert drawing the Leprechaun, Chris drew Shaft, David drew Jon and Steve drew Dave. We then did a draw for order of revealing and began to reveal destinations.

Our starters arrived and Rupert, who was first up, revealed his destination as:

PORTO.

I was next and said that, unsurprisingly, I was going for

REYKJAVIK.

Chris was next and we smiled as he went for

TALLINN.

At this point, the waitress arrived to clear our starters and Steve asked her to pick a destination from the mentalist's list. She went for Porto.

David was next and went for

REYKJAVIK.


Steve was then up and said he fancied a different kind of break so went for

GARMISCH-PARTENKIRSCHEN

It was then the turn of Dave. Steve opened Dave's letter and read:

"Fellow Colonel's Men,

In view of my incompetence at house cleaning I am unable to be with you tonight. I therefore trust that you will include as my destination IN THE FIRST INSTANCE Aalborg, Denmark, which hosts the largest carnival in Northern Europe on 26 May 2007 (www.karnevaliaalborg.dk) AND IN THE SECOND INSTANCE if this weekend is not available or you are shafted by Sterling Airlines (www.sterling.dk) Riga, Latvia. Communication ends. 230768 Cpl DAVE CLIFTON."

Our main courses arrived and as Chris and I tucked into our meat sharetron, David revealed Jon's choice, which was delivered by text message:

"Hi Mike. My destination is included at the end of this text so don't read on yet... I think it is a good summer choice.......... Balaton (Hungary)

It was finally the turn of Amal, and I opened his e-mail to reveal one word:

BUDAPEST

As we finished our main courses, we discussed the Little Lucky Leprechaun's choice and finally settled on:

MALTA.

To complete the draw, Reardon's choice was REYKJAVIK and PC Bourne's choice was PORTO.

It was now around 10.25p.m. and we proceeded with Glogg's bum the mascots round. Steve picked the Hel 2006 tile and then picked "Help". Hel 2006 therefore unleashed "Hell on Earth" and one mascot stood to lose their entire round. A further draw took place and Grosser Vass was selected. Grosser Vass's round was therefore removed. It was then the turn of Barney's round and Rupert, on behalf of Barney, selected Chris for Diplomatic Immunity.

The veto round then took place. We all wrote our choices on pieces of paper, dropped them into a hat and Chris said, "I'll count the votes". He then pulled out pieces of paper one at a time, saying, "Budapest", "None", "None", "Balaton", "Balaton". David had voted for Budapest whilst Chris and I had voted for Balaton. However, with only two votes for Balaton, no veto would take place. Chris then took charge of Shaft's round and drew a blank, so no Shaft occurred.

As desserts arrived, it was time for the rehearsal draw. Chris eliminated first, drawing out Balaton. David did a Barthez on behalf of Jon. Chris' diplomatic immunity was revoked at this point and he returned to the draw. David then eliminated Budapest on behalf of Reardon, Rupert eliminated Garmisch for the Leprechaun and I eliminated Reardon's Reykjavik on behalf of Amal. David then drew out Aalborg for Jon, Steve drew my Reykjavik on behalf of Dave and then PC Bourne's Porto. With four destinations left, David eliminated Malta, Chris eliminated Rupert's Porto and then I eliminated Tallinn. David leapt up to celebrate with a Shearer as Rupert announced Reykjavik as the winner.

A short pause then occurred as our coffees arrived and we prepared for the draw. The tin was handed round to Chris and he eliminated:

11. BUDAPEST.

I did a Shearer on behalf of Amal. Reardon then self-eliminated

10. REYKJAVIK.

David was gutted. Rupert then eliminated on behalf of the Leprechaun and succeeded in eliminating his own

9. PORTO.

At this point, diplomatic immunity was revoked and Chris was returned to the hat.

I then received the tin on behalf of Amal and eliminated my own

8. REYKJAVIK.

Proxy eliminations were occurring in abundance in this draw.

On behalf of Jon, David then eliminated PC Bourne's

7. PORTO.

On behalf of Dave, Steve eliminated his own:

6. GARMISCH.

Five destinations were left and things were hotting up. Steve received the tin and got revenge by eliminating Dave's

5. AALBORG.

David then eliminated Jon's

4. BALATON.

Chris then received the tin and self-eliminated:

3. TALLINN.

Chris' winless streak would continue. Two destinations left. It was the leprechaun's Malta against David's Reykjavik. The pressure landed on me. I selected a tile, handing the other one to Rupert. I then revealed second place as

2. MALTA.

David leapt to his feet in a Shearer celebration as Rupert revealed the winner as

1. REYKJAVIK.

After a long wait, Reykjavik had finally won a draw. We couldn't believe it. We chilled out for a while more, before leaving the restaurant and heading back. Outside, we found ourselves in the square with the white church. David ran towards it and I followed, as we climbed the steps and did a Rocky recreation at the top of the steps, to celebrate Reykjavik's victory. Exhausted, we wandered back to the hotel the direct route, past the bizarre golden arches sign above a building with no golden arches in sight. Back at the hotel, we returned to our rooms and punched the sack as we had an early start the following morning.

Monday, 11th December

I woke up around 5.30a.m., ready for the long trip back home. Steve and David were awake too and we got ready to depart. As we were packing, Chris and Rupert knocked on the door. We made the customary Basil and Polly remarks and then sent them downstairs to check out. A few minutes later, we went downstairs ourselves, checked out and made our way into the breakfast area. We sat at a circular table just inside the restaurant and I helped myself to some orange juice and a small amount of porridge. Chris had a massive cooked breakfast, whilst everyone else had small portions. Once we'd eaten our fill, we left the hotel and began the walk downhill to the station. A few minutes later, we had arrived in the square with the ice rink and we headed over to where the bus had dropped us off. There was a bus there, but no driver. A couple of Finnish women asked us if this was the bus to Tampere airport. We replied that we thought it was, but weren't sure. It was freezing and we were relieved when the driver eventually arrived. We stowed our bags, before climbing on board. David, Steve and I secured a table and sat back for the long journey to Tampere. We all got some sleep and about two and a half hours later we arrived back at Tampere airport. It was only about an hour before our flight was due to take off and we found ourselves right at the back of the check-in queue. David disappeared to the toilet and I quickly followed, as I realised we would probably be rushed straight onto the plane after check-in. I discovered a bum shower in the toilet, much to my amusement. We soon discovered we were being shafted as we'd chosen the longest queue and the two queues were merging into one the other side of the check in desk. There were a group of Spanish in front of us who were forced to repack their bags or pay an excess baggage charge, but fortunately we made it under the weight limit.

We joined the queue for passport control, managing to pull a fast one and shaft a family in the queue to our right. We dumped our bags on a conveyor belt and found ourselves at passport control. Once showing our passports, we were directed through some automatic doors to yet another queue for the security checks. I made it through and joined Chris and Steve but was amazed when the next person through the doors was some elderly foreign woman. David came through next, disgusted that she'd pushed in front of him. He made his disgust clear and pushed back in front of her. He tried to persuade Rupert to do likewise but he hung back. After getting through security, we were directed out to the tarmac and boarded the plane. It was virtually full and there appeared to be no opportunity for us to sit together. I discovered a set of three seats and moved to take them, but a Finnish woman claimed she was saving them. I got somewhat annoyed and began an argument with her, pointing out that you couldn't save seats on an aircraft. Steve and David moved away, however, so, as she prostrated herself across the three seats in front of her own seat, a cabin steward came to find us some more seats. I commented that she was behaving like a suffragette, chaining herself to the seats, which David and Steve found amusing. I ended up sat in an exit row aisle seat, in front of David and Steve who were also in aisle seats.

As the plane took off we commented that Helsinki was over, but consoled ourselves with the fact that the Helsinki experience was continuing and that it was Reykjavik next time. After a two and a half hour flight, we landed in Stansted and hurried through to baggage reclaim. We briefly discussed getting some lunch, but Steve was keen to get back, so we said farewell to him as he hurried to catch a bus to the long stay car park, whilst the rest of us took a bus back to the mid-stay car park. It was a sad moment as Steve departed, as his Helsinki experience had finally come to an end. Rupert joined us on the journey back to the car, as he had left a sleeping bag in David's car that he wanted to pick up. We all climbed into the car and drove back to the airport to drop Rupert off. His experience came to an end as he headed off to the station to catch a train to London. The remaining three of us drove onto the M11 and headed for David's house.

We decided to stop for lunch on route, so pulled off into South Mimms service station on the M25 for a fairly rapid KFC. The mood was slightly somber as the Helsinki experience was coming to an end. After we'd eaten our fill, we returned to David's car and drove back to Thatcham. The journey was uneventful and we soon arrived home. I paused briefly to load my car before saying farewell to the others and getting on the road back to Kenilworth. The Helsinki experience was finally over for me. About an hour and a half later, I arrived back in Kenilworth. As I arrived home, I reflected on what had been a great fun and interesting break. And with a successful result in the draw, it looked like I would have something to look forward to for mission 13.

After all, it's Reykjavik next time!