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The Schloss, home of the Grosses Fass
The Schloss, home of the Grosses Fass

Heidelberg was the venue for mission 6, where the Colonel's Regiment encountered Grosser Vass as well as the Grosses Fass.


David's Heidelberg Diary

Mike's Heidelberg Diary



German apple dessert which the Colonel's Regiment were fortunate enough to sample in 6 Heidelberg whilst dining at Vetters. Warm apfelstrudel is one of Moules' favourite things.


Backschinke is served at the Christmas market in 6 Heidelberg. It is, quite simply, a hunk of meat between two bits of bread. Steve, David and Mike spotted Backschinke advertised at a stall in the Christmas market but were reluctant to order it as they weren't sure what it was. However, they cleverly monitored someone else ordering this delicacy and realised that it was indeed a hunk of meat between two bits of bread. It can be served with or without the fat, though as David discovered to his cost, it's better to ask for it without the fat.


On a visit to the 6 Heidelberg Christmas market, you should be able to purchase a Banane-schoko-mandelsplitter from Crepe Guy - that's if he's not just out of splitter. The problem is that they're usually alright on the banane, no problem there, but the man who delivers their schoko, pancakes, mandelsplitter and so on, sometimes has little accidents. However, you usually get a letter from Crepe Guy explaining the problem. For anyone not initiated, it's banana, chocolate, chopped nuts, in a pancake.

It is one of Steve, Mike and David's great regrets that they did not have time for a Banane-schoko-mandelsplitter during Mission 6.


A bratwurst is a standard German sausage, usually served between two bits of bread. It was enjoyed by Rupert, Steve, David and Mike during mission 6 in 6 Heidelberg. It can also be used for jokes whilst waiting in the lunchline.

Brent photo

Brent photos were popularised during Mission 6 6 Heidelberg. The idea came from an episode of the BBC comedy show "The Office", in which David Brent was posing for a photograph prior to giving a motivational speech. Unable to simply sit down and have his photo taken, he produced three amazing Brent photos which the Colonel's Regiment saw fit to do recreations of in 6 Heidelberg.

Crepe Guy

Michael places an order with Crepe Guy
Michael places an order with Crepe Guy

Crepe Guy spends most of his time at the Christmas market in 6 Heidelberg. He runs Heidelberg's number one crepe stand, selling an impressive array of crepes and waffles. From ten in the morning to eight at night, he can be seen wearing a green sweater and taking orders for crepes. His speciality is a banane-schoko-mandelsplitter, though he sometimes runs out of splitter. He can normally persuade customers to settle for a zucker-zim when that happens.

Crepe Guy also has an annoying habit of reversing everyone's order. This means that if you order a banane-schoko, as listed on the menu, he reads this back as schoko-banane, thus making you feel slightly stupid. He also likes to show up native English speakers by telling them how much they owe in English, even if they're making the attempt to order in German.


A bizarre bar in 6 Heidelberg which the Colonel's Regiment visited on the second and third nights of Mission 6 6 Heidelberg. There are very few tables and drinks are served from a bar in the centre of the room. People normally perch on bar stools around this central area and chat to the very friendly bar staff. On their first visit to Destille, one of the bar girls appeared to take a fancy to Mike, which was duly noted by Steve. She was also very helpful in helping Rupert and Steve to drink their flaming sambucas. David speculated that Destille could have been constructed entirely out of a Grosses Fass.

Das ist für Fahrräder

The bicycle is a popular form of transport in 6 Heidelberg. So much so that pavements are often cut in half to allow Fahrräder to use one section. The Colonel's Regiment were unaware of this on their first day in 6 Heidelberg and got shouted at by an angry local who observed them walking down the cycle lane. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely sure what "Das ist für Fahrräder!" meant.


Quite simply, a fire sausage. This is a very tasty red sausage served at the Christmas market in 6 Heidelberg. Rupert and Mike sampled one of these and were very impressed with its flavour.


A folly, usually Victorian, though any old, old building (i.e. 50 years old or more) could qualify. It must have exactly two distinct major access routes and a staircase around the interior wall to allow visitors to climb onto the roof. The roof must have a waist high wall around the edge, a ledge about eight feet below the roof and afford spectacular views of the surrounding area. The most dangerous feature of the Grosmogesson is the metal dish at the top that has no function except to lure curious travellers to their deaths. The worst thing about this is that the unlucky person does not fall straight to the ground—instead they find themselves trapped on the ledge, leaving their hapless comrades to poke them to the ground with a large stick.

The Colonel's Regiment managed to find a Grosmogesson during their excursion on Mission 6 6 Heidelberg. Rupert nearly fell for the trap (quite literally), but Mike, David and Steve were alert to the potential hazard and managed to rescue him.

Grosses Fass

It is impossible to do the Grosses Fass justice by a simple description alone. The only way to appreciate its magnificence is by seeing it in person. Allow me to quote from [the website]:

The Grosses Fass (or big barrel) is infact the biggest wooden barrel ever to have been filled with wine. The barrel was constructed in 1751 and can hold over 221,000 litres of wine! There's a little walkway which takes you across the top of the barrel (the top area was sometimes used for dancing).

The Grosses Fass is situated in 6 Heidelberg castle. The Colonel's Regiment were delighted to discover it during Mission 6 6 Heidelberg. They were initially duped by the Intermediate Fass which is situated in an ante-room outside the room housing the Grosses Fass. They paused for several minutes here, before walking around the corner and discovering that there was, in fact, a bigger Fass. Steve, David and Mike immediately went into shock (Rupert took it all in his stride). So amazed were they that they went back to see it a second time about an hour later. The Grosses Fass sparked the most amazing hour of comedy ever seen on a Colonel's break, as David, Mike and Steve reeled off application after application of "The Office" whilst Rupert looked on somewhat bemused.

Intermediate Fass

The Intermediate Fass is situated in 6 Heidelberg castle. It is situated in the ante-room just outside the room housing the Grosses Fass. It has clearly been placed there to dupe tourists, who enter the room and are so amazed by its size that they immediately pause to take photographs of themselves standing in front of it. As the continue their walk into the room, they realise their mistake as they encounter the actual Grosses Fass. I am sorry to report that the Colonel's Regiment did fall for this scam during Mission 6 6 Heidelberg.

Loaf pincher

Apparently it is customary on German coaches that if you are in need of pinching a loaf, you can report this to the driver and he or she will then stop in the nearest service station to allow you to cut off Bungle's finger. The Colonel's Regiment were introduced to this custom in 6 Heidelberg, when a man now known as the Loaf Pincher caused their bus from Frankfurt-Hahn airport to 6 Heidelberg to stop as he needed to drop the kids off at the pool.

Monkey Man

A greedy neanderthal who was observed by the Colonel's Regiment at breakfast in the Crowne Plaza in 6 Heidelberg. Whilst queueing at the breakfast buffet, Mike noticed that there were only three croissants left, so selected one for himself and left the others for other people. The next man in line was not so generous, however. As David and Mike watched, he took both the remaining croissants, leaving David to wait a good half hour before he got any. Thoroughly disgruntled, David and Mike began to refer to this scruffy beast man as the Monkey Man, which is probably a little unfair to all primates.


The Moonwalk was popularised by the pop legend Michael Jackson during the 1980s and is a move which portrays the illusion of a person walking backwards on their toes (whilst all that actually happens is that the other foot slides backwards on the ground whilst the "pointed" foot is stationary). For a long time it was regarded as a major part of any single guy's arsenal to be able to perform the moonwalk. Rupert possesses the ability to moonwalk and he used it to full effect during Mission 6 6 Heidelberg.

Whilst outside I-Punkt, the Colonel's Regiment were debating whether to go inside, as it was empty. Rupert was up for going in and he said, "Perhaps we could persuade these girls to join us?" just as four girls walked past. In an effort to impress them, he performed a moonwalk but they clearly weren't interested - they simply carried on walking.


The Philosophenweg is a big hill overlooking the city of 6 Heidelberg. The Colonel's Regiment walked up it during Mission 6 6 Heidelberg. Halfway up it is a children's playground with a Grosmogesson behind it. At the top, there is another tower, a large amphitheatre famous for Nazi rallies, and a large monastry complete with its own Queeraum.


The Queeraum is, apparently, a traditional room in old German monasteries. This room is the hang out for gay monks as they try to pick up partners for the evening. The Queeraum is often situated in the vicinity of the toilets, which makes it difficult for non-gay monks to use the bathroom without having to go through the Queeraum (and hence past the gay monks) first. The Colonel's Regiment discovered a Queeraum in the monastry at the top of the Philosophenweg during Mission 6 6 Heidelberg.


A traditional German pub/restaurant in 6 Heidelberg. The Colonel's Regiment visited this establishment twice during Mission 6 6 Heidelberg. Vetters is famous for brewing its own beer and serving traditional German food. This "traditional" German food consists of a whole pig or a massive plate of sausages for the table. The Colonel's Regiment decided upon the massive plate of sausages for their meal and were not to be disappointed. Vetters is also famous for its warm Apfelstrudel.


A town about 50 miles north of Heidelberg. The Colonel's Regiment passed through it on the bus on the way to Frankfurt-Hahn airport. It seems to be an industrial sprawl but the comedic name gave it cult status.